I’ve been too quiet lately, been absorbing too much information and not enough time for my own creating. Though I do have a big project in the works!! I think I needed to fill in time because well, wedding planning doesn’t take that much time, and either everyone else is really busy or assuming I’m really busy because of that!
I realize I contradict myself there. I have lots of time for thinking, daydreaming, consuming information online. I don’t have the time get done things that need to get done in person, in free time. (I think you all know where I’m getting at here, without incriminating myself.)
Wedding – not much going on the planning front right now. Need to sort hotels, florist, and rehearsal dinner – hopefully that can be done in one day in Stroudsburg this month! Once I settle on one of my numerous ideas for favors and decoration, I should start those projects and have a crafting party for help.
This weekend is the Steampunk World’s Fair – it’s a Jeff Mach event (he does Wicked Faire) and I spent Sunday afternoon improving my steampunk outfit! I’ll definitely have to post photos but haven’t taken any yet.
Speaking of photos… that’s what my big project is about. I am slowly working on taking my photography to a new level. Slowly for a few reasons, one is to not stress over that in addition to wedding and other events going on, and because I want to launch and brand it with my new name (rather than launch and change names in October!) I am working on a gallery site and a blog, but it’s lower on the priority list except when I have the time to brainstorm about it while doing other things. But I plan on making lots of my friends sign model releases, and I hope to take photos at the Steampunk fair with signed model releases, to get that gallery up and going!
I have several folders of photos that still need processing and uploading, but I have ones from a Morristown event here. Some are too dark because I just published them all without fixing. Oh and my flickr will remain as it is for informal and vacation shots to share with friends. All my “pro” photos will be on a new gallery/site, which I’ll let you know when the sneak preview starts!
My tax refund went towards two new camera lenses, they arrived yesterday and I have YET to use them! The horror. And tonight I must do belated mother’s day visits, since we had company and my mother was under the weather with a headcold or allergies on Sunday.
And because I was caught off guard an hour earlier than expected, and pre-coffee, I signed up for Susannah Conway’s sequel to her Unravelling course! I was debating the cost, but I enjoyed the last workshop immensely and I hope this helps me in outlining a vision for where I want to go.
Oh. I thought about writing a whole entry just on Bella, but still can’t bring myself to do it (edit – this turned into most of what I wanted to say). Yesterday, more information was shared with me about her death and it reopened that wound.
I don’t know why I am so affected, because honestly I feel like saying we were friends is not the complete truth. We were online acquaintances, we met once, and we never had any particularly deep interactions with each other.
But I remember her being so full of joy, live, love, and energy. I admire her photography and her urban explorations, and I kept wanting to discuss that with her but I never did. I can relate to how she can appear happy and yet be hiding a lot of pain underneath. She sent me a private message once just to say that I rock.
Somehow her death just pushes me to be inspired by her, to live how she wanted to live, to seize the day, to not dismiss people who learn to put a mask over their pain, to realize that any of us can get to that point. And to not keep quiet.
A coworker of hers left a note on my previous post about her. I didn’t see it at first and followed up in an email. After my inquiry about her note and message, I was attacked for stating the truth, for stating that she killed herself, though it was below a blog entry cut (you had to click through to read, and there was a warning first) and it was only mentioned once, with her nickname.
I feel sorry that in her pain and loss of her friend, that reading my entry caused more hurt. But I refused to be silent about it because I stand by the fact that the more you try to push suicide under the rug, the more people will suffer. I am still keeping the details of her death private, because while I learned of them from her friends, it’s not my story to tell to those who don’t know. But stating the truth is never inappropriate.
This is part of my email response to her -
There is no shame in saying how she died, and to pretend that she didn’t kill herself is dishonest to all those who struggle with depression.She brought such joy and light to the world, most of us never could have ever imagined that under the face she presented to the world, would be someone struggling, who would have a moment of weakness and give it all up. What I personally take from that is to follow her example in life, and do every single thing I can to make sure the people I love KNOW that I love them, so that just MAYBE if one of them is struggling, they’ll reach out for help.
Believe me, I have anger too.
And it’s not going to let me remain silent.
What I do will not change anything about the facts of Bella’s life (and death).
What I do CAN HELP SAVE SOMEONE ELSES LIFE and it CAN INSPIRE OTHERS WITH HER WORDS AND BEAUTY AND COURAGE. And I make no apologies for that.
So yeah… a wave of grief and depression came over me yesterday upon the updates about her death. I am recommitting myself again to this Bella pledge, and to have her life be an inspiration to do what would honor her most.
And then I got out and ran.
Random and I started the Couch-to-5k program. We are 2/3 of the way through Week 4. Not only am I shocked that I’m doing this, I am astonished that I like it. And yesterday, we were overdue for our next run and had excuses to put it off (like running over to mom’s), but I needed it more than ever before. It’s still tough at times, but doing it as a team with Random is absolutely amazing – we both do our best to help each other and encourage each other. We get a chance to be outside together with no distractions, other than beautiful nature, eating bugs, and trying not to die So yeah. Never thought I’d be a runner. Crazy shit man. But when my mind was overburdened with family drama/health issues, Bella, and all that kind of stuff, it really helped.
(I’m gonna need reminding of this when it’s hot and humid, or cold and snowy outside. Good think I’m getting used to this during wonderful spring!)