Category: wedding

No more hiding

I’ve been hiding.

In winter, we called it hibernating – given the amounts of snow we had, and few things to do, it was a great excuse to stay holed up and rest.  Just when the urge to be social again hit us, a bunch of crazy stuff happened that made me pull back again.  We started making plans and seeing friends, but emotionally and virtually (on blogs and social network sites) I’ve retreated.

I questioned who my friends are and who could be trusted.  I questioned myself, as to how I felt less myself and why – was it an issue of struggling to maintain self identity in a marriage already? Was it post wedding depression, and would it go away?   I don’t know, and I may not for a while.

(However, for the record, married life really DOES rock! Just to be clear, none of these are marriage issues – they are the “sort out my head” issues and having never been married before, these questions come up.)

But while I used to come here and spill out my heart, I stopped.  I feared the consequences – as someone who is likely a facebook friend betrayed me.  I feared being hurt or hurting my friends in some way.  I feared my mother was reading (while I always keep in mind that a parent or employer could read this, I try not to restrict myself as much as I have been).

Blogging is a part of me – typing out the entries is my therapy.  If I want to (and I do) someday make money from any creative endeavors on my part, I need to sell my soul.  (I love Danielle LaPorte, though I am not taking that workshop.)  If I don’t, I’m just imitating everyone else who inspires me.  I look around at what others do, and feel that they stole a concept that was going to be my great enlightened moment in the near future.  And now that they are doing it, they probably do it better than me, so I need another idea.  Yeah. This has been the crazy circular logic that – along with my fears – has had me stuck in one place.

And here we are in spring, where the spring weather is STARTING to make an appearance, but even on the cold days I see the buds in the trees and bushes, the cherry blossoms, the forsythia bushes.  In true stereotypical fashion, spring brings a new hope.

I need to let go of the how, and focus on the why.  I want to share more, even the ugly messy parts, because when I do I find a new level of connection with people.  I’ve blogged while crying and planning to erase it the next day, when I get supportive comments saying that others have felt exactly the same.  This is my soul, my truth, and I need to keep sharing it.  I can’t always share it in the real world or in person, if only for lack of thinking fast on my feet, but this is how I do it.  This is MY space, my identity, and I’ll keep it despite however many blogs/sites we may have at one time 😛

Kinda crazy, but a big part of what prompted this entry was a simple encounter at lunchtime with a coworker.  We were having a great chat about TV shows, when he stated that he stopped watching one because there were scenes of two guys making out.  I was offended by his statement, and replied that it wasn’t a problem with our TV watching group, as some of them are gay.  Maybe I could have said something better, maybe not.  After the shock passed, it made me so thankful for my community of friends and their lack of homophobia.  It made me think about how my coworker would probably never become friends with the gay couple we watched that same TV show with, and it made me realize just how much he’s missing out by that.

What it comes down to is that I am so restricted in how I can be “myself” in the office environment, that I absolutely have to take advantage of the ways that I can, that I have to use outlets like this to bare my soul, and that – especially as a woman married to a man in this hetero-normative society, I have to make sure that my thoughts on human rights, sexual identity, and such that I take for granted among like-minded friends are shared with those who are NOT in that mindset.  It’s time to shake the world up a little bit more.  It’s time to be less afraid.  It’s not about confrontation, it’s about being more open about myself and my viewpoint so that people don’t assume my thoughts for me.

It’s going to piss some people off, it’s going to hurt some people.  I hurt someone with my post on my friend’s suicide, as someone who knew her protested loudly that it wasn’t suicide, I was wrong for saying it was, and I was offending her family.  It was upsetting at the time, but now I can only think of how hurt this woman truly was when she eventually was told the truth, by someone other than me.  I still don’t regret posting it.

Fuck the haters, fuck the cowardly internet stalkers, fuck the homophobes.  If the only thing I have to lose is the support of people I don’t agree with?  Then I have absolutely nothing to lose and we all have something to possibly gain.

Thursday Randoms

(no there aren’t multiples of my fiance. luckily there’s only one and he’s mine :P)

Welcome to my stream of consciousness update.  If I keep waiting to write the perfect entry I’ll never blog again.

The iPad. Name sucks.  As Leo from Zen Habits said on twitter – “Important: the iPad is for consuming info, not for creating. It’ll help separate the two, which is wonderful for creators.”  I don’t know about separating the two, but I don’t need an oversized iPhone when I already have the tiny one.  If they get to the point where you can be more creative with it, use a stylus to take advantage of the tablet to sketch/use photoshop, then they’ll be getting somewhere.  I’ll want one eventually of course.

State of the Union.   Missed first part of it, I started off not very enthusiastic about it… He started promising huge things which made me question his ability to get them done, then he says if he fails it’s because we all failed.  Niiiice.  He’s the most human side I’ve seen in a president, and I really hope he/we CAN get all those things accomplished.  I’ve been horrible about following politics since the election except for what Random tells me he heard on NPR.  So I’m not really in a position to judge what’s going on but those are my thoughts on the speech.  He really is a great motivational speaker and appealing to the humanity in us rather than party lines will – I hope – go a long way.

Snow.  F that shit.  I usually love it but today it pissed me off.  The roads were horrible, and then Random was too busy at work to tell me he got there safely, so cue panic attack.  Didn’t help that around the time the overactive imagination starts, my ears clogged up and hurt and I had no decongestants with me to help.

Health.  I need to join a gym, at least until spring when we’re outside more.  I HATE GYMS.

Weddings.  I’m a bridesmaid in one that may be on TV.  SEE ABOVE.  (This is how much I love you M…. I would bail if I didn’t.)  Ours – planning is coming along fine, just need to spend more time on not-fun stuff instead of playing with graphics for the website redesign and invites.  Had another day of dress shopping, and I think I know where I’m going with that but not 100% sure…

Blogs. Gonna move the wedding blog from to hosting on and using wordpress the software.  I know they mean well but really, the same name for both things is so farking complicated.  But yay on full customization, and maybe I can move this blog there too.   Oh yeah – go read the blog to see our awesome logo!

PEX.  Doing the volunteer running yet again, and expanded duties to running a database of people who are available before and after for set up and clean up.  They wanted it done Tuesday, except for 5 names I’ve emailed everyone twice and called them once.  Still lots of no replies.  I feel like I’m letting them down because I didn’t get to do much on it over the weekend, but I don’t know if anything would have been done if I wasn’t helping.  (Oh yeah. Heartburn. Feb 13. Buy tickets NOW, they will sell out soon.)

Borderlands.  Over the worst of my addiction since we completed the game once and the zombie island, still another downloadable content to get and I’m thinking tonight or tomorrow night would rock for that.  Random wrote up a review of it.

Stuff. There’s so much going on, people I haven’t spoken to, things I should do…. and I still want to hibernate from it all.  I do what needs to be done, mostly, but ugh.  I know the pace will get worse and this year is gonna fly by, so I’m trying to just do what I can.  I don’t do resolutions on the new year but I like the idea of a word for the year, the only one that came to me so far is PRESENCE.  Being present in the moment.  Yeah it looks like that’s an excellent focus point as it will be a challenge this year.  Speaking of new years, holy fark where did January even go???

Tomorrow.  Friday.  THANK FARKING GODDESS.

* not as huge a BSG fan as much as I am a fan of the word fark and not actually swearing in public (as much).  Especially with ankle biters around. There was that one time I was swearing up a storm in a supposedly empty parking lot only to turn around as a woman walked her three small kids right by me.  Oops.  And repeatedly saying MILD swears in front of M’s nephew.  😛


It stinks that my birthday is at a time of year where I usually don’t feel very festive.  It gets dark early, I crave a rest from the craziness of spring/summer/fall, but I know that my birthday hits, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and it’s a lot. A lot of lot.  I always dream of January being one big nap, but then that never happens either.  Funny enough, two people I know posted this weekend about the same thing and the natural cycles of the seasons.

So yeah, it’s been quiet, at least outwardly on this blog, and thoughts/energy turn inwards.  And I have the odd desire to bake.

I’m trying not to be overzealous in wedding planning, but man did I need a new project to occupy inactive parts of my mind, and this one is a doozy 😀  We set the date and venue, and right now nothing is very stressful or urgent.  But it’s stirred up my crafting juices, which haven’t been used for much other than costuming lately, and I’m back on a craft kick.  And though the wedding was an excuse to buy a new toy, I think it will be used for other events more. 😛

I got a die cutter so that I can make felt flowers.  (Michael’s had them 40% off, and I had 15% off on top of that.)

Felt flowers are an alternative to real flowers in weddings, and made hugely popular by Princess Lasertron selling them on Etsy.  They are beautiful arrangements, and I admire the time/talent she has put into them. But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and I’m enjoying making my own version!  (I’m more inspired by than outright copying her, though I am going to try some embroidery as well!)  (you can also make your own from a kit she sells on etsy!)

Anyway, PL I’m not, but I only opened my die cutter for 20 minutes of unpacking and playing last night, and I already have these…

I threw one on a headband and wore it to work today!


So yeah.  Luckily the crafting bug hit me in time for some holiday presents and may help me save some money, but either way I’m enjoying it.  And oo0 – more gifts for burns!!! After the initial expense of the die cutter and flower shapes, these probably cost less than 20 cents each to make!