I’ve still been feeling a little bit of that blue funk that hit me before I got sick. I can’t put my finger on it. I’m fairly sure that if I didn’t have Random around, I would be in bed for a whole week with no sign of moving. (The realization yesterday, as I had a sick day, that my iphone really does everything and I didn’t even need to get to my computer does not help in this situation.)
I don’t have any huge stresses, but lots of little ones. Worries about the economy and friends who have lost jobs. Thinking I’m relatively secure from worrying about that for myself, and trying to stay positive, but knowing the unexpected could happen. Friends who have health problems/family health problems. While I am so concerned for them and how they are doing, the thought of someone losing their loved one does something to me deep down, which makes part of me want to push anyone that close to me away. (Doing my best to resist that.) And, enter guilt about not spending enough time with my family. Le sigh.
I think another thing bothering me is just the great unknown of the future. I have no idea in 1-2 years where we will be living, working, etc. (Yeah, at least the “we” is not an unknown, which is an awesome thing.) While the freedom and options of that excite me, I feel like I’ve been constantly waiting waiting waiting for change, out of indecision or based on external variables. And now, it’s not necessarily the time to be adventurous is it? I think regret that I didn’t do more to work towards where I want to be when I had more freedom (in terms of financial/job security) is bugging me. It’s one thing to blame myself, but now I feel trapped by the economy. Am I really, or would I be just as indecisive just without a scapegoat if the situation were different? I think the only difference is that I can point fingers at something other than myself.
What to do? I love the quote about how the cure for anything is saltwater: Tears, sweat, or the ocean. Well I’ve been teary enough in what feels like PMS overload some days. Hate exercise but trying to get back into hooping more. Weekends have been packed with car shopping and roadtrips for other commitments, so I don’t see any ocean time happening.
Usually I throw myself into a project. Already have one, Playa del Fuego and my art project for it. Easter weekend I need to make major progress on that.
Sunday we made it to our first conclave rehearsal. Random has a part in it, and so far I’m doing safety. I don’t feel like I’ve picked up my poi enough in the past 6 months to perform in it, and I’m not that skilled with a fire hoop yet. Safety meant having to attend less practices, but Random being chosen to do parts of the piece means more practices, so now I’m feeling a little jealous 😛 But it’s all good, I feel like I’m back in my stage crew roots – I like being behind the scenes.
The weather was wonderful and we enjoyed being in the park, but the rehearsal was cut short. I had been taking some photos of the first run at a formation so that those in it could see what it looks like, and we started watching the orange-ish sky and thunder rolling in. I took some pics just before it started hailing and everyone ran for their cars. I love moments like that, when the weather changes dramatically and it’s very exciting without being too life threatening.
Lest anyone thinks I’m miserable… I am happy. I know how blessed I am, and I am grateful for everything that I have. I feel bad for wanting something more/else on top of that. It’s just a bit of a funk and I do know it will pass (usually writing blogs like this is cathartic and helps it along). I think there are opposites within me battling it out – one wants a concrete plan on where life goes next, the other wants to just hang on the reins and ride. One wants to do more (do everything!), and one wants to do less and live more simply. Whenever I’m in this state I just crave balance of some sort….
So a little more rambly and self introspective than I usually get (on this public blog at least). And wordy – some days I wish I could be as succinct yet powerful as some people are in their blogs (like Jen Gray). Well it’s cheaper than therapy and you can click away at any time. 😛
And we’ll all float on okay.